Bittersweet

 

Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain

Nonfiction

2022

Finished on November 3, 2024

Rating: 2/5 (OK)

Publisher's Blurb:

In her new masterpiece, the author of the bestselling phenomenon Quiet reveals the power of a bittersweet outlook on life, and why we’ve been so blind to its value.

With Quiet, Susan Cain urged our society to cultivate space for the undervalued, indispensable introverts among us, thereby revealing an untapped power hidden in plain sight. Now she employs the same mix of research, storytelling, and memoir to explore why we experience sorrow and longing, and the surprising lessons these states of mind teach us about creativity, compassion, leadership, spirituality, mortality, and love.

Bittersweetness is a tendency to states of longing, poignancy, and sorrow; an acute awareness of passing time; and a curiously piercing joy when beholding beauty. It recognizes that light and dark, birth and death—bitter and sweet—are forever paired. A song in a minor key, an elegiac poem, or even a touching television commercial all can bring us to this sublime, even holy, state of mind—and, ultimately, to greater kinship with our fellow humans.

But bittersweetness is not, as we tend to think, just a momentary feeling or event. It’s also a way of being, a storied heritage. Our artistic and spiritual traditions—amplified by recent scientific and management research—teach us its power.

Cain shows how a bittersweet state of mind is the quiet force that helps us transcend our personal and collective pain. If we don’t acknowledge our own sorrows and longings, she says, we can end up inflicting them on others via abuse, domination, or neglect. But if we realize that all humans know—or will know—loss and suffering, we can turn toward each other. And we can learn to transform our own pain into creativity, transcendence, and connection.

At a time of profound discord and personal anxiety, Bittersweet brings us together in deep and unexpected ways.

I listened to the audio version of Susan Cain's popular book, Quiet, last November. I had purchased a copy of Bittersweet while on vacation that year, but held off reading it until I had read Quiet. My book group chose to read and discuss Bittersweet this month, so I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts about this nonfiction work. 

To be honest, I struggled with the book. It felt dense and dry, and I wound up assigning myself a daily page count in order to finish in time for my book group meeting. Looking back at my review of Quiet, I am reminded that I liked it, but it wasn't one that I thought was outstanding, or even very good. Had I not recommended this new book to my book group, I know it would have been a DNF.

Flipping through the pages, looking for passages that did resonate, I came across this one:

One of the cornerstones of Keltner's research, which he summarized in his book Born to Be Good, is what he calls "the compassionate instinct"--the idea that we humans are wired to respond to each other's troubles with care. Our nervous systems make little distinction between our own pain and the pain of others, it turns out; they react similarly to both. This instinct is as much a part of us as the desire to eat and breath.

The compassionate instinct is also a fundamental aspect of the human success story--and one of the great powers of bittersweetness. The word compassion literally means "to suffer together," and Keltner sees it as one of our best and most redemptive qualities. The sadness from which compassion springs is a pro-social emotion, an agent of connection and love; it's what the musician Nick Cave calls "the universal unifying force." Sorrow and tears are one of the strongest bonding mechanisms we have.

While researching Cain and her book, I came across a few items that I want to share. Click on the links to watch.

The Hidden Power of Sad Songs and Rainy Days (TED talk)

But those dreams of peace he had had, you know, we're all still waiting for those, right? Which is the way it often goes, the beautiful world just out of reach. But while we're waiting, our broken hearts can also help connect us.

Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care (Cleveland Clinic) 

Excellent video about empathy.

It will be interesting to see if anyone in my book group enjoyed this book. Sadly, it's not one that I can recommend.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

 

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Nonfiction

2012 Random House Audio

Narrated by Kathe Mazur

Finished on November 16, 2023

Rating: 3/5 (Good)

Publisher's Blurb:

At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. They are the ones who prefer listening to speaking; who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over working in teams. It is to introverts—Rosa Parks, Chopin, Dr. Seuss, Steve Wozniak—that we owe many of the great contributions to society.

In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introverts—from a witty, high-octane public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves.

After reading several glowing reviews, I picked up a copy of Susan Cain's latest book (Bittersweet) while traveling this past summer. (I'm always happy to support indie bookstores when we're on the road.) I've had Cain's previous bestseller (Quiet) on my TBR list for over a decade and decided to start with that book before reading Bittersweet.  

Quiet is well-researched and full of interesting anecdotes and examples. I found myself nodding in agreement, recognizing not only myself, but friends and family members who are classic introverts. I'm sure some would be surprised to learn that I consider myself an introvert. After all, I can lead a book group discussion, hand-sell my favorite books to complete strangers, and throw dinner parties. But I prefer small, casual gatherings over big events. I'm perfectly content spending time alone on my walks, shopping by myself rather than with a group of girlfriends, or relaxing on the weekend, curled up with a good book. Thankfully, my husband feels the same.

Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.

It was nice reading a book that validated my feelings about my personality, and yet, I felt like the author was stating the obvious. There aren't a lot of "Ah-ha!" moments revealed in Cain's writing, and halfway in, my mind started to wander, but I was content to continue listening to Kathe Mazur's outstanding narration. 

I found the following quiz on the author's website. I answered yes to 17 of the statements. How about you?

1. I prefer one-on-one conversations to group activities.

2. I often prefer to express myself in writing.

3. I enjoy solitude.

4. I seem to care about wealth, fame, and status less than my peers.

5. I dislike small talk, but I enjoy talking in-depth about topics that matter to me.

6. People tell me that I'm a good listener.

7. I'm not a big risk-taker.

8. I enjoy work that allows me to "dive in" with few interruptions.

9. I like to celebrate birthdays on a small scale, with only one or two close friends or family members.

10. People describe me as "soft-spoken" or "mellow".

11. I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until it's finished.

12. I dislike conflict.

13. I do my best work on my own.

14. I tend to think before I speak.

15. I feel drained after being out and about, even if I've enjoyed myself.

16. I often let calls go through to voice-mail.

17. If I had to choose, I'd prefer a weekend with absolutely nothing to do to one with too many things scheduled.

18. I don't enjoy multi-tasking.

19. I can concentrate easily.

20. In classroom situations, I prefer lectures to seminars.